I didn't think quarter life crises were real.

But they are.

I’m turning 26 this Sunday.

I’m also getting kicked off my parent’s health insurance.

I’m also still looking for a job.

I’m also graduating college on Saturday.

I’m also stressed the fuck out.

This has been tough for me. I put my blog out there, ready for criticism and feedback. Instead, I got showered with applause for putting myself out there, along with my writing skills (NBD). And that scared me. Scared that people know that I enjoy writing or that I enjoy anything in general. Is that sad?

Anyway, I said I would try to post every Tuesday. Every Tuesday came and went, and I was left with nothing to show for those days.

I’m writing again, and it feels good, but there’s a different meaning behind my words.

I am strong, and caring, and knowledgeable (even though I had to spell check the word), and resourceful, and aware, and vulnerable. Those are the words I think of when I think of myself.

I also think I am scared, and ill-prepared, and anxious, and a wreck of nerves at all times.

But this gives me the space to talk through these things. That’s why I need to keep writing. I need to keep my sanity.

Turning 26 is horrifying. I have to renew my license and get a job with health benefits and probably start thinking about car insurance soon. On top of that, I have rent to pay, and a mouth to feed. It’s my own mouth, but that’s still a lot of responsibility.

I think all this change in the last couple of months has really fucked with my sense of self. Living on my own has forced me to know myself really well. What I’m capable of, what scares me, what fuels me, what I like and hate about myself, all of it. And that in itself is scary. I'm still learning what those things are.

I’m so homesick, too. I miss my parents and my dogs. I miss the comfort and security of my childhood bedroom. I miss coming home from work and seeing my dad watching YouTube fishing videos. I miss running upstairs at 5:20pm to wake my mom up for work because everyone in the house can hear her alarm except her. I miss our fridge, and I miss the smell of home. I’m learning how to deal with that along with everything else.

Lastly, I’m tired. I haven’t had 8 solid hours of sleep since before I left for Lisbon in March. I miss sleeping, I miss feeling not tired, and I miss having energy to do things. I left my mom at the bar last Thursday because I physically couldn’t be there anymore. My anxiety is winning right now.

None of this is relevant to you, or maybe some, or maybe all. The one thing I’m learning through this experience of the mind-racing realization that I’m having a quarter-life crisis, is that so is everyone else around me. Things are always changing. It’s life. My anxiety focuses on life and how scary it is. But change is good, change is everlasting, and change is life whether you want it to be that or not. My dad says life is in the details. I think life is the details, the big picture, the foreground, and the background. Whatever you choose to focus on, that is life. But don’t forget, life is also everything else that you don’t focus on.