Letting the other shoe drop

My whole life it feels like I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Things go great, or things are finally looking up for me, I would never rejoice. I'd be paranoid about the next thing to go wrong. I'm always waiting for shit to hit the fan.

Lately, I haven't. Here's an example:

The Brianne I knew 5 months ago would be absolutely spiraling into a panic attack with all the things on current Brianne's plate right now. Our garage door won't open anymore at our apartment, I have been having job interviews, and my car's AC is broken. It all happened within a weekend it felt like --car AC has been broken since last summer but I found out it just needs to be recharged with a freon that costs half my rent on Friday, garage door breaks Sunday, job interview on Monday.

For lack of better words, I fucking rocked it. I made appointments to have the garage door looked at, my car goes in for the AC recharge this week, and I nailed my interview (I think).

January 2022 Brianne was a mess. She just graduated college and had no sense of self. She watched all her friends move on into new job opportunities and new homes and new experiences. She didn't have any of that.

Brianne right now is hopeful. Hopeful for her future career opportunities, hopeful that maybe she really can handle all of this. I know it doesn't seem like much, but that really would've been all it took for me to spiral into a manic episode that quickly would've turned into a depressive episode. I'm trying.

It's awesome to have new feelings. Like, I feel proud of myself for the first time in a long time. I'm overwhelmed but this time its a rejuvenating overwhelm. I'm overwhelmed at how well i'm doing. I'm proud of my actions and proud of the shoes I'm starting to fill for myself.

Looking back can be painful, but it's important to be real with yourself. I get to literally track my progress comparatively from January to now. Things are moving fast and I am moving with it.

This week's blog is short and sweet, just like my anxiety these days. Now, if you'll excuse me, the guys are here to fix the garage door. :)